


Coparents Counseling

by SideshowStarlet



Series: Arrested Development [3]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Artemis the Dementor, Azkaban, Barty Crouch Jr Appreciation 2k19, Barty Jr is an Owl Animagus, Chocolate Palace in Azkaban, Coparenting, Crack, Dementors Enjoy the Drama, Gen, Harry raised by Barty Jr, Harry raised by Sirius Black, Harry raised in Azkaban, Ho-yay, Humor, Mentions of past child abuse, Parenting Arguments, Sweet Ending, The Dementors Have Names Now, unlikely friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-27
Updated: 2019-02-27
Packaged: 2019-11-06 10:26:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17938043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SideshowStarlet/pseuds/SideshowStarlet
Summary: Barty Jr. and Sirius argue about raising Harry. Also, the Dementors have names now. Part three in my Arrested Development series.





	Coparents Counseling

**Author's Note:**

> I can't believe I finished a third story in this series! I originally expected this to be a one-shot, but I was really having fun with it! I have a lot going on right now, and this is an awesome stress reliever. I hope this story makes someone's day a little happier.

Thank Merlin for the sofas. Some days, Barty felt that they were the only things keeping himself and Sirius at least somewhat sane. Today, they lasted until Harry's midmorning nap before wanting to strangle each other. Both plopped down on their respective couches (Barty more slowly than Sirius, because, as usual, Harry refused to fall asleep unless Barty was holding him. His lamby always woke up and cried whenever Barty put him down) and glared straight ahead. The Dementors, alerted to upcoming drama, swarmed the hallways in front of the two cells, hissing excitedly.

Sirius sat with his arms crossed, glaring at nothing in particular. He bit his tongue for as long as he could (thirty seconds- and he tasted blood) before saying (still determinedly not looking at Barty), "You promised you wouldn't turn Harry evil!"

"Wha-?" Barty was honestly confused. "I'm not turning him evil! Why would I want an _evil_ kid? Harry's a sweet boy who will one day bring the Wizarding world to its true glory!"

"Not if you turn him evil!"

"I'm not turning him evil!"

"Yes, you are!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

This back-and-forth continued for several minutes, growing progressively louder until Harry woke up crying. A time-out was called as Barty cooed the three-year-old back to sleep.

 _"And you'll be the most powerful Wizard the world's ever seen, amassing armies of giants, threstrals, and all your Death Eaters to bring down any opposition. A new age of magic will dawn,"_ Barty promised the tired preschooler.

 _"You'll be the hero of the light side,"_ Sirius insisted, reaching out to Harry through the bars. _"Vanquishing darkness forever. We'll all live in peace."_ He turned towards Barty. "This exactly the kind of thing I was talking about."

 _"In peace, knowing that our Dark Prince stands at the helm. We'll reach new heights of power, of **freedom!** " _Barty said, ignoring Sirius' last comment.

Sirius ignored Barty's contribution and plowed on. _"And you'll settle down with a sweet girl and give me lots of great-god-children..."_

 _"Yes, you'll marry a perfect pureblood princess and populate the planet with powerful progeny..."_ Barty promised.

 _"Or you'll fall in love with a handsome boy who will make you very happy,"_ Sirius continued.

"Yes, of course, a Pureblooded Prince Consort who will rule by your side. The two of you will take infant Mudbloods from their filthy, unworthy Muggle families and raise them as proper Witches and Wizards! Nobody will ever know that they are stained with Muggle blood."

 _"Or you two can leave the Muggles alone and live your own lives, growing old together and living happily ever after,"_ Sirius suggested.

"Where's the fun in that?" Barty responded.

Both men temporarily paused their argument, becoming aware of a strange sound coming from the Dementors. It was a harsh, rattling sound emanating from inside their hoods. Their shoulders shook, and their cloaks billowed. They almost seemed to be...

"Are they _laughing?_ " Sirius asked in shock.

"I... I think so," said Barty. "I didn't even know that was possible."

"When did they start making that noise?" Sirius asked, brow wrinkled in confusion.

"I think it was around the time I was talking about Harry raising Wizarding children with another guy," said Barty.

"What in Merlin's name is funny about _that?"_ Sirius asked. " _I'm_ raising a Wizard kid with another guy, and, trust me, it is _not_ a bundle of laughs."

"You can say that again," said Barty.

"What in Merlin's name is funny about _that?"_ Sirius repeated. " _I'm_ raising a Wizard kid with another-"

"Just shut up," snapped Barty.

The pair sat in sullen silence, determinedly glaring in opposite directions while Harry slept on and the Dementors positively _quivered_ in anticipation. One Dementor, taller than the others, wrapped its long, scabby fingers around the bars of Barty's cell and leaned forward and gazed avidly at Barty and the baby. It let out a high-pitched squeeing sound of excitement.

"Shut _up,_ Artemis!" Barty yelled.

"Who the Hell is Artemis?" Sirius asked, ending the silent treatment earlier than he meant to. Usually, after an argument like the one they just had, he and Barty didn't speak for _at least_ two days. On these occasions, they had a tendency to use Harry as a go-between, carrying messages from one man to the other, despite the fact that they lived right next door to each other. Often, what they wanted to say was not fit for a child's ears, forcing them to bribe Harry to hand-deliver nasty notes to each other, much to the Dementor's fascination.

"That Dementor!" said Barty, pointing to the cloaked figure, who was now doing backflips out of sheer excitement.

"You've. Named. The. Dementors." said Sirius, now abandoning any pretense at ignoring Barty and staring at him as if he were completely mad.

"Um... yes?" Barty replied.

"... _Why?"_

Barty mumbled something.

"What did you say?" Sirius asked.

Barty mumbled a bit louder.

"I still can't hear you," Sirius pointed out.

"Harry wanted them to have names," Barty said finally, wanting to get it over with. "He went up to a group of Dementors while I was cleaning and you were taking one of your ten million daily naps and asked them what their names were. Of course, they didn't answer. I grabbed him just as they were leaning over him, looking like they wanted to Kiss him. After that, he would just not let up about the Dementors not having names. He insisted on naming each one. But he was giving them cutesy names like Bubbles, Fudgy, Fluffy, Blanky, Booboo, and Binky," he said, pointing to each Dementor as he said their names. The named Dementors tried to look even more menacing as they were introduced, sending chills down Sirius' spine. "You know, the kind of cutesy names that would piss them off and make them want to suck out our souls. So, I begged Harry to let me name the Dementors. He only let me name the biggest one, because I'm big. I named that one Artemis." He pointed to Artemis the Dementor, who waved a cloaked arm and spun around excitedly, letting out a high-pitched squeal. "Harry said he gets to name all the littler ones, because he's little," Barty continued. "They've been hanging out here more since Harry named them, but they haven't tried to suck our souls out yet."

Sirius let out his short, barklike laugh. "Maybe you won't turn Harry evil after all," he said. "One day, Harry will want the Death Eaters to dress up in pink robes. He'll want the Dark Mark to be an image of a giant Snitch. He'll want to lead you all while riding on his own pet dragon. And you'll go with it because that's how _Prince Lamby_ wants it."

"Not true!" said Barty. "Harry hates pink. He says it's for girls."

Sirius laughed again. "Face it," he said. "Harry has you wrapped around his little finger."

It was true that Barty could never deny his three-year-old Dark Prince anything. Still, he wasn't going _soft._ "Maybe it's because he's a gift from my Lord, and he will one day rule the Wizarding world," Barty said slowly, as if speaking to a buffoon. "Perhaps that's because I have to cancel out the abuse and neglect Harry had received from his filthy Muggle relatives if he is to grow into a confident Young Lord. Or maybe it's because I need to show Harry that Pureblood Wizards like you and I are more worthy of his love and attention than Muggles and blood traitors."

"Keep telling yourself that," said Sirius derisively. Then his tone changed, sounding wistful. "It must be nice to raise Harry either way."

"What are you talking about?" Barty asked. "You're raising Harry, too."

"He lives in _your_ cell," Sirius pointed out. "I'm just the next-door neighbor who tries to keep him from turning Dark. You're the one who gets to spend every moment with him. You're the one he clings to." He gestured to Harry, who was hugging Barty's left arm as he slept.

"I know," Barty said. "Every moment of every day. If I'm not flying out to get supplies, I'm carrying Harry around. If I get to relax, he wants to be cuddled. If I'm not carrying or cuddling him, I'm changing diapers. We buy him every toy in the Wizarding world, but I can never get him to play by himself for more than two minutes at a time. I feel like a giant stuffed animal. One that has to clean everything," he added, gazing around the messy cell, which he had just cleaned yesterday. "You could distract him sometimes, you know," he added, glaring at Sirius.

"Me?" said Sirius, mystified. "I babysit him all the time while you're flying around the outside world. I just can't bring him over here, so I'm not able to change diapers, sit him down on the chamberpot, settle him down for a nap, or give him a bath. And you still won't let me cook for him!"

"Because you feed him nothing but junk!" Barty said, delving into their weekly argument.

"It won't kill him to eat something that's not organic every once in a while," Sirius pointed out.

"I know we're surrounded by Dementors," Barty said. "But Harry doesn't need chocolate when he's _already_ bouncing off walls."

"I didn't make him bounce off the walls!" Sirius protested. "That was his accidental magic!"

There was that weird rattling sound coming from the Dementors again. Artemis bounced up and down excitedly. "I'm not having this argument again," said Barty.

"Fine," said Sirius. "Let him cling to you, then. Good luck getting anything done before Harry turns seventeen."

"I'm not asking you to be a _nanny,"_ Barty said. "But you could stay human and awake for my than two hours at a time. Maybe find a way to distract him while I'm doing chores- something that doesn't involve stuffing him with sweets. Merlin, Sirius, you'd think the novelty of being an Animagus would have worn off for you by now! I wish I could fly around- or better yet: sleep- all day as an owl. But I can't! Because I have diapers to change, messes to clean, meals to cook, and a kid to keep from choking, falling, or getting his bloody soul sucked out!"

Harry woke up during Barty's rant, and, predictably, began to cry. "Damn it, Sirius! Now you made me start yelling like one of Harry's filthy Muggles!"

At the mention of Muggles, Harry hugged Barty around his neck and buried his head in Barty's shoulder. "Don't send me back to the Muggles, Barty!" he sobbed.

"Please don't cry, lamby," Barty cooed, patting Harry's back. He got up from the couch and carried Harry as far away from the Dementors as he could get. "I'll never send you back there," he promised, pressing kisses to the top of Harry's head. "You're my Little Prince."

"Promise?" Harry sniffled.

"Promise," said Barty, carding a hand through Harry's messy locks.

They were silent for a few minutes, Barty bouncing Harry on his hip and Harry letting out the occasional sniffle.

Harry stopped crying and looked up, arms still around Barty's neck. His green eyes, sad and searching, met Barty's blue ones. "Barty?" he asked.

"Yes, my lamb?"

"How come we don't live in a castle?"

"A castle?"

"Yeah! 'Cuz I'm your Prince! I wanna live in a castle!"

Barty looked skeptically around at the small prison cell they shared. Even with the rugs covering the stone floor, decorative tapestries concealing the grey walls, and the mess of toys scattered around the place, it still looked like a grim place to raise a child.

"What kind of castle?" Barty asked, hoping Harry would want to live in the "castle's" dungeon. If so, they were all set.

"A chocolate castle!" said Harry. "I wanna be a Prince in a chocolate castle!"

Well... they had plenty of chocolate bars available. And Barty and Sirius both knew how to do wandless engorgement charms. Thanks to the Dementors, the cells were always too cold for the chocolate to melt. "Pleeeeeeease, Barty?" said Harry, burying his head back in Barty's shoulder.

"Of course, lamby," Barty cooed. "My Little Prince shall have a chocolate castle."

Harry squealed in delight and squirmed to be put down. He bounced excitedly, hugging Barty's legs. "Thank you, Barty!" he screamed.

"Like I said, wrapped around his little finger," Sirius said, as Barty began casting wandless engorgement and duplication charms on the unwrapped chocolate bars and helping Harry stack them into the form of a castle. "You might as well dig out those old Death Eater robes and color them pink."

"Ewww! No, Padfoot! Pink is for girls!" Harry burst out.

"Yeah, Sirius," Barty agreed. "No pink in the Glorious Revolution!"

"Glorious Revolution!" Harry repeated, stacking the engorged chocolate bricks into a tower. "Barty, give me a boost!" he yelled, as the tower grew taller than he was.

"Hang on, lamby!" Barty called. He slid several chocolate bars through the bars separating his cell from Sirius'. "Here," he said. "Build part of the castle on your side. That way, Harry can live with you, too."

"Thanks, Barty!" said Sirius, getting straight to work.

The three worked all day. It struck Barty that this was the longest span of time that he had ever seen Sirius both awake and human. By the time they were finished, the chocolate castle took up about half of each cell. Turrets lined the top, and hexagonal towers stood at each corner. The bars separating the two cells were coated in chocolate that Barty and Sirius had melted using a wandless heating charm. Rather than looking like bars in a prison cell, they looked like they were meant to be part of Prince Harry's chocolate palace.

They settled in the center of the castle, Barty and Harry on one side of the bars and Sirius on the others. The three somehow had the appetite to eat some of the leftover chocolate. Sirius read the "Tale of Three Brothers" from Harry's Beedle the Bard book. This led to Harry deciding that he, Barty, and Sirius were three brothers, which naturally led to speculation over who was which brother. It was decided that Barty would be the one with the wand (How he missed owning a wand! The two men had- by silent agreement- decided to let Harry be the one with the cloak and thus immortal. Barty had silently debated with himself whether he would want the Resurrection Stone to bring his Lord back or the Elder Wand, which would allow him to win any duel. He eventually decided on the wand, reasoning that the Dark Lord was bound to return someday, and Barty couldn't do much for his Lord without a wand.) Sirius decided on the Resurrection Stone in order to bring back Lily and James. Harry reasoned that with the Invisibility Cloak, he would win every game of hide-and-seek he ever played.

Harry, sitting in Barty's lap, reached forward to hold Sirius's hand. Sirius's grin split his thin face wide open. "Thank you," Sirius said to Barty. "For the castle; for all this," he gestured towards his other hand, which Harry was still holding.

"Thank you," said Barty. "For reading to Harry; for being _here._ "

Sirius slipped the hand that wasn't being held by Harry through the bars. Barty reached up and gripped the hand in his. The two did not hold hands. They merely gripped each other's hands for a heartbeat longer than a handshake and made brief eye contact before simultaneously turning their attention back to Harry babbling happily between them. This brief moment of affection was enough for Artemis the Dementor, who overcame her aversion to chocolate long enough to gaze adoringly through the window of the chocolate castle and squeal excitedly.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Love (and chocolate) is a magic beyond anything we can create with wands. 
> 
> XOXOXO, 
> 
> Artemis the Dementor


End file.
